social etiquette

Filipinos are genuinely hospitable, warm, sensitive ...but also crack under the very idea of confrontation.  They are resilient under mother nature's wrath taking it all in stride and  in great gratitude to still be alive and be able to reestablish a stable life style and routine. There are incredible traits and there are puzzling practices.

But one thing that still puzzles me is likely only puzzling because I'm so American amongst my own people.  While I'm not the only one that has succumbed to that heavy wheat ladened lifestyle and blossomed as a result, it comes with the constant verbal reminder.  There's a part that rebels and says, "so what?!  I'm not here to impress you."  Statements like, "you're American size" and "Ate Kim, you're still fat" are easy to shake off and blame on pure lack of social etiquette on the part of the offender.  It's puzzling because Filipinos are not known for negative speech towards each other, complaining or confrontation.  To constructively criticize or confront one is offensive and can end a relationship.

The other day, my 14 year old daughter and her sister came home from a walk.  They had run into an older friend they hadn't seen in months.  My daughter who I wouldn't exactly call fat....the one who still struggles, none the less, due to the fact that her bum knee prevents her from the slightest amount of exercise. (We're still praying for the right way to address it.  Surgery or no surgery?)  But, anyway, she came home bewildered at what appeared to be pure audacity of this friend to approach her with the, "Tori, you have gotten fat.  You're not sexy anymore" greeting.    Both the girls came home shocked and hurt.  I assured them the person had no idea at how their words were received....and that she has no idea that in America (and for us Americans) her words are considerate profoundly untactful, offensive and way out of line.

I hurt for my daughter.  But what to do?  Do we now respond to people with FYI that such statements are offensive to us Americans and considered very rude and insensitive?  Do we do that with people in a culture that doesn't do confrontation?  She was greeted with the FYI that her worth as a person is judged by her appearance and whether or not she looks sexy.... as if at her age she should even care if she looks "sexy."  Her character, doesn't care about looking sexy either.  She's always been about modesty and risking the approval of the masses to look after the least liked.  Always looking out for the social underdog that all her peers look down on.  She takes care of everyone's hearts.

It's definitely another one of those culture experiences where you have to decide whether or not to let God's sovereign love and grace supersede the typical learned human/American reaction.