pain across the ocean

A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps - Proverbs 16:9

If the Pacific ocean wasn't between us, I'd hug you bunches.  But for now, in this here your first trialsome chapter, I have to settle for silent tears, wishful thinking and [most importantly] praying.  May you persevere in growth and continue to embrace the challenge to learn what you must.  May you never fall for the devil's lies and only know the Father's grace and mercy.  May you rise higher than ever before and soar like an eagle above any temptation to give up and throw in the towel.  May you remember to seek him again each new morning.... seek him diligently so as to find him and rest in his peace.  May you keep running with perseverance and endurance the race he has set before you.  May Jesus be glorified now, tomorrow, next week, next month and in the years to come.  

I sit here looking at your beautiful face and listening to relaxing piano in the background.  Memories of years gone by come flooding and this soul can't find a satisfying way to just be.  I want to see this smile again where there are no hidden tears threatening the dam.  Blogging seems empty.  Social media seems tacky. But how to satisfy the longing to express the explosion of emotions from happy, proud, sad and perplexed ?  How to do that without drawing the wrong response(s) ?  Truth is, this is the first time, this mom has ever wanted to cry for her boy the way I do today.  Watching you go through your first pains as a young adult out from under my roof and thousands of miles away is brutal.  

So now I know.  Now I know what it's like to graduate into this stage as an overseas missionary with the first born gone and growing out from under my wings.  Absent from the nest and facing the world like never before.  May these tears be heard and seen by the Father.  May I grow too as I embrace this ....what should we call this?  May I become an even better mom.  A better godly mom for your sake.... but most importantly for his name sake.  For even though "I walk through the valley.... I will fear no evil..." for he is with me and his rod and staff will comfort me.   May you experience the same. For we both serve the same Father.  For he will strengthen you, help you and uphold you with his righteous right hand....

You are loved by us.  But you will never experience a love as intensely perfect as the Father's from anyone but the Father himself.  Yes, I love you.  But he loves you INfinitely better than I ever could.