There are so many times I still find myself desiderating for things to help make life easier as an overseas missionary. Then almost immediately there's the question of ..... what for? Is it suppose to be comfortable? Is it suppose to be easier? Look at Abraham, he took all his flock and wealth when God told him to go to a land that He would show him. Clearly, he had great wealth. Then there's Paul who, even though had a partnership with the churches he started, didn't want to burden them with his needs. Still, those churches blessed him. What does this say about me and my heart?
Later, God's test for Abraham to "sacrifice" Isaac is all about Abraham proving, after nearly an entire lifetime of praying, pleading to God for and pining for a child with Sarah, that Isaac did not take priority above his relationship with the God who gave them their one and only child. For today's life application, it's about re-evaluating who or what we have put in front of walking with God and serving him. While God knew what the results would be (Abraham willing to be obedient enough, thus pass the test), the test was clearly not for God but for Abraham. Abraham had to pull through the next test of his faith in order to take the next step yet into obedience.
That's what has been happening for two years. Here we are getting toned, tuned and tested for the next task. There is, at the same time, the ever present desire for an easier road to take. Then I think of George Muller who set out to prove that God exists with over fifty years of divine success. Such faith I long to obtain, but clearly there's no easy method. There's no short cut. It's pure grit, endurance and steadfast determination through fire and rain. Through trial and error. There's no skirting wishful thinking and coveting for an easier set up that requires no work of faith and/or obedience of trust. Honestly, it's that strong propensity to sin and lust after the easy. It comes from being born into the sinful nature. Oh, such a wicked curse.
The ultimate desire is to work in the harsh settings of India helping women and children. Considering how it was God Almighty that got us to the Philippines, it probably appears bizarre to want to "move on" into something else. Yet, I can't seem to shake what seems to be something he has put on my heart. Grant it, I'm not even sure of what it actually entails. In the end, he could reveal that his only plan for me is to play a supportive role... from here. But there's no easy method to get from here to there. I have to be willing to go through the test of fire for the next step, and the next step after that....the next step after that....etc. At the same time, Mike's been getting the fiery testing of his own. So much so that each testing consumes his thoughts day in and day out. Some times he can't sleep. I know. I'm his only sounding board. But look at Job. God Almighty let the devil test him by taking every....everything away from him including his family then taking his health to the point of nearly taking his life. But God reward Job's perseverance and faithfulness by giving him another family and going so far as to helping him rebuild his earthly wealth.
The struggle to grow, continue learning to be obedient and be more Christ-like will never end until last breath's draw. Some days that reality seems daunting....like today when there seemed to be no escape from the intense muggy heat which influenced the challenge of staying in the loving zone towards the kids in word and deed (eh-hem!). There will always be the wrestling of defining want vs. need, asking "when is enough enough" after desiderating for this or that nice thing (and or wishing we still had some of the nice things we either sold or gave away because we couldn't ship it over here). Do I ask the Lord for making it possible to buy an A/C unit and the monthly budget to run it? (The Philippines now tops the world in the cost of electricity. Not because it costs so much to produce it, but because price gouging is definitely a problem here. Especially towards foreigners).
This struggle thing serves as more proof that we can't live this life without God Almighty. After all, God didn't bring us here because he thought us capable of getting the job done. It wasn't because either one of us had the experience necessary. Mike's career as a programmer gave him no experience for his current tasks as the general manager of Edge Radio (his words, not mine. Although, I think differently). He struggles on so many levels there is no counting all the ways he feels less than inadequate for the job. It's not despite us, that God uses us. It's BECAUSE OF our lack that he uses us. After all, it's not until he emptied the Israelites of resources and ability that he moved on their behalf. As long as they were obedient, it didn't matter how much they lacked in military power and strategy....in comparison to their occupying enemies. God moved on their behalf . He did it in a way that they couldn't take one iota of credit for their victories. So, I often sit on this bamboo couch or in our bamboo bahay kubo wondering how empty I need to be, how lacking do we have to get and how weak do we need to feel in order for God to decide it's time to powerfully drop a megadose of mind numbing WOW into this outreach?
Should we be working to round up more speaking engagements and fill our partnership development calender or should we be strictly trusting him to just prove Himself through our lack? Should we be making seemingly necessary asks for readers to consider contributing to specific needs in our newsletters or just strictly trusting God Almighty to reveal his infinite goodness? Truly, if he goes through all the trouble of providing for the sparrow (who doesn't even know to ask) will he not do even more for us? When he says, "ask in my name and it will be given to you" where should we really take that....and how far do we go with that? He says to take everything.... EVERYTHING to him by prayer and petition with a thankful heart. So, is there such a thing as prioritizing our petitions? Is there? I see nothing in Scripture to support such an idea. Not yet, anyway. Who knows.... I may never even find it because it's just not there.
Then there's the modern mentality of and labeling of "missionary". The idea that missionaries are not suppose to have more than just what is needed to get by and get the work done. They are not suppose to want more than that either. Thus, one of the reasons missionaries are always asking for support just to be able to stay on the field. (Although, I certainly take into account that life happens for everyone around the world...thus, the reason that support drops some or significantly.... as is often the case). Missionaries are suppose to live with less means than the average middle or lower class American. Though not literally put in those words, there are churches who have asked of the legitimacy of the budget missionaries try to raise....thus, strongly implying such. (But I also take into account there are missionaries who have been said to "abuse" the support). Missionaries shouldn't be asking for support for their children to go to a [private] school specifically started to support/teach missionary children. After all, most American Christian families can't afford to send their own kids to private schools. So, missionaries have to give legitimate reason for financial support to put their kids through a school instead of home schooling. I remember being asked about home schooling in the Philippines in a church board meeting. Why was I not considering home schooling? Now that we've been here two years I have concluded no home church board could ever understand the struggle of home schooling even one child on the mission field when considering all the complications that come with living and working amid a culture not your own....and the limitations that alone poses for home schooling. But God almighty knows that's a pure impossibility for this not-exactly-super-mom woman. He knows the impossibilities for Mike to be able to do his ministry tasks should I be faced with the overwhelming impossibilities of home schooling two high schoolers and two middle schoolers....in a tiny two bedroom home where we have carved out a "master bedroom" in the living room and the dining area is the living room that houses the clothes drying rack....and no room for a dining table (I miss eating at a dining table). Thus, the reason he has provided for the education of four of our kids to Faith Academy this past year.
I remember Mike getting asked for the legitimacy of the monthly budget he was raising after meeting a pastor. Naturally, I wonder how many others frowned on the numbers not realizing exactly how conservative they are. After hours of taking in all the information we could gather from friends already in Manila, of what they pay on average for everything, we had come up with the most conservative budget possible. One of the Wycliffe couples here has the same budget....and it's only for two people. Yet, here were are trying to be as conservative as possible even considering the kids' education and we did so with the same number. We came out here as a family of eight. There's still eight of us. I'm trying to fathom what Wycliffe would have required us to raise had we chosen to come and serve under their umbrella. Now that the summer is over my obedience of trust is being tested again. Something I gladly embrace.
Day by day I'm becoming a stronger believer of TRUSTing no matter the hills or mountains ahead. Because day by day he proves his infinite goodness. He is faithful to the obediently trusting... I know because of all he brought us through and all he provided for last school year. He even went so far as to provide for some R&R on Mondoro island where Mike could shut off work for just a few days and help his mind and heart refocus as a husband and as a father. The children of Israel stopped believing so many times after seeing God provide and help them conquer the land promised to them time after time. It didn't matter what God did, they stopped believing again and again. They suffered the consequences. But when they were obedient and believed, God abundantly supplied and succeeded on their behalf. So, this struggle of mine is understandable. I see my own struggle in Israel. I see my own disobedience in Israel. I see my own sin in Israel....and I see my own sin to be harsh on Israel in the moments that very sin has caused me to forget such a profound reality.
Grace grace.... oh what beautiful boundless grace he bestows in his Sovereignty.
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